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I AM CLANDESTINE

October 12, 2010

I have an apocalypse fetish. I have a fascination with the occult. Let’s complete the speculative trifecta and talk about conspiracy theories.

I love conspiracies. I especially love the aesthetics that come with most conspiracies. Namely, I love the idea of various shadowy and/or malevolent figures sitting around in a board room/secret lair/what have you and prattling on in a deliberately vague manner about their intended plans. I get off on this sort of thing the way a moe fan gets off on a little girl squeeing or how a mecha fan gets off on a transformation sequence. This sort of thing is fan service porn for me.

I can trace it back to two particular instances from my youth: James Bond and Superfriends.

My dad introduced me to Bond at a very early age. I saw For Your Eyes Only when it first came out in ’81, and I wasn’t even three years old yet. Hell, going to see that movie is one of my earliest memories. And shortly after that he had me sitting in front of the TV and watching all of the other Bond flicks. So I’m pretty sure that it was scenes like this one from Thunderball that helped kindle this fascination with super secret societies and their behind concealed doors meetings.

At the same time I was watching all those shitty-in-retrospect Saturday Morning Cartoons, and in the midst of all that tripe Superfriends was one of the few genuinely interesting series. What made it cool was the UN-styled Legion of Doom. They got just as much screen time as the Superfriends, and they had that cool base with its round table of evil. And there was something satisfying about seeing villains cooperate with the same sort of trust and unity as the heroes. Even as a kid I noticed stuff like Starscream betraying Megatron and other devices that kept the villains from winning– more often than not they did themselves in from within. While the Legion was susceptible to collapsing onto itself, it was because of group arrogance rather than the need for an individual to one-up whomever was in the lead. It’s that sort of unity that makes for an awesome conspiracy. There may be bickering and some degree of backstabbing, but it never destroys the master scheme. That’s what makes the Legion of Doom so awesome.

All of this swings back around to anime with Star Driver. I already talked about how awesome that scene was with the baddies conspiring to bring about Takuto’s end. They were like the Legion of Doom in that they were able to put aside their personal beefs (for now) in order to defeat their common foe, and in doing so decided that whomever finishes this upstart off will become the conspiracy’s new leader. Yeah, this is classic conspiracy porn right here, and it doesn’t hurt that said porn is gussied up in bondage gear and harlequin masks.

But the greatest anime conspiracy of all time is the student council from Revolutionary Girl Utena.

They have a gloriously vague purpose: to revolutionize the world. It means something different for each of them, but they’re all working towards this common goal. At the same time they’re forced to battle amongst each other to obtain the very thing that will allow them to bring about this revolution– The Rose Bride. Despite this inherent conflict, the council never really falters. Certain members veer off in different directions, but they stay relatively united in their purpose despite their innate rivalry. Even in defeat they still have that unity– they still conspire once they’re fucking happy and over all that Rose Bride shit. Toss in all sorts of clever imagery– shadows and shit– and all sorts of innuendo and metaphorical speeches and what have you, and you have the greatest anime conspiracy of all time.

Blofeld would be proud of you, Touga. But not you, Akio. You may be the number one, but he would have electric chaired your ass once you started getting it on with your sister and fucking up the whole conspiracy.

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