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When I Die, I Want to be Reincarnated as a Magical Pet

April 20, 2010

Any anime fan that’s delusional and dissatisfied with life (That is, all anime fans.) often fantasizes about being an anime character. Chicks dream about being the center of a male harem or being some kickass gun bunny. Dudes dream about being a manly mecha pilot or a sexual crisis inducing trap.

Me? I always wanted to be a magical pet in a magical girl series.

Look at Kero-chan from Cardcaptor Sakura. What’s his role in life?

He gets to boss around a bunch of kids and eat cake all day. Yeah, sure, he actually joins the fight later in the series, but who does the bulk of the Clow catching and monster fighting? Not Kero-chan.

Almost every other anime character has to do work. Heroes have to do the heroing thing. Villains have to do the villain thing. Romance characters have to pursue the girl/guy/2D pixel. Moeblobs have to shuffle across the landscape and consume all life in their wake. Everyone has to put effort into their anime lifestyles in order to maintain it.

Most anime characters are blue-collar types and low ranking white-collar types. They gotta work for a living. Magical pets are the honorary paid positions of the animeverse. They’re like most members of modern-day royalty. Sure, they have to put in appearances and make good with the public, but so long as they don’t fuck up and get disowned, they don’t have to do anything resembling real work.

Kero-chan is living the lush life. He was created to protect the Clow cards, but once they get fucked up, all he has to do is order around Sakura and her life partner Tomoyo to collect them. They do it because they’re little kids and don’t know any better. If they were adults, they’d likely not put up with Kero-chan’s shit and punt him out the door like an unwanted stray cat.

But magical pets never appear to adults. They know full well that very few adults would put up with a pet that’s as demanding and selfish as magical one. Dogs just demand food and affection. Cats may be cold and aloof, but all they want is a bowl of food and a hand to pet them when their mood deems a petting to be mandatory. But magical pets are high maintenance. Not only do they demand high quantities of sweets and other food stuffs, they also force their “masters” into indentured servitude and gladiatorial games.

That’s what’s awesome about being a magical pet. You’re role in life is to be a task master to elementary school kids because your species has evolved to a state of being that makes such a gloriously plush situation your natural habitat. You are physically unable to survive in an environment where you don’t have a young charge doing your bidding and fetching you pastries from the neighborhood bakery.

You’re a parasite that empowers justice in the form of blessing your henchmen with evil-fighting powers. You’re a natural part of the universe that is required for the survival of humanity as a species. Your inactivity is destiny, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

The magical pet is the highest form of life in the animeverse, and I want to become one in my next lifetime.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Taka permalink
    April 21, 2010 12:49 AM

    yeah it’s definitely gotta be to a little magical girl though. Otherwise you could end up the route of Menchi in Excel Saga constantly fearing for your life. Same deal with Niche and Steak in Letter Bee.

    There’s also the Kyon route in Bleach getting constantly beat up and abused. you gotta be careful about which characters you associate with.

    I always wanted to be Tadakichi-san because I wanted little girls to ride me.

    Wait that came out wrong

  2. April 21, 2010 2:20 AM

    I just wanted to say that this is easily one of the funniest anime-related posts I’ve ever read. Funny AND true! Good show man, good show.

  3. April 21, 2010 3:41 AM

    I dunno, Ioroygi from Kobato seemed to spend most of his time being royally pissed off

  4. Landon permalink*
    April 21, 2010 8:53 AM

    It’s rough for magical pets today. Ioryogi is a victim of the economic crisis. His charge is a homelesw girl who probably had her mortgage in heaven defaulted or something, casting her out on the street. She can’t afford to feed him his daily allotment of cake. I’ll be sure to reincarnate during an economic upswing.

  5. April 25, 2010 12:06 PM

    Marvelous.

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