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Anymal Promises

November 1, 2009

Anymal Tantei Kuruminzoo, aka Animal Detectives randomjapanesewordwithzootackedonattheend.

Think of it as Di Gi Charat by way of David Cronenberg.

The anime starts off like any other magical girl series. Girls do normal anime girl stuff. Girls find shiny object. Shiny object bestows magical powers. I was prepared to brush it off as generic fluff and not bother with any future episodes. Then the transformation scene began.

After the girls speak some nonsense code word into their locket things, colored slime appears out of the screen. That alone wasn’t too weird.

Then the slimes take the form of a cat and a rabbit. Again, nothing really freaky. I figured these ghostly blobs would start talking in obnoxious, squeaky Jar-Jar voices and promptly transform into mascot characters.

Then the things open their mouths. Words dont come out. In fact, nothing comes out. But something lurks within: Galaxies. It’s like there’s a worm hole or a black hole within their throats, and these slimes seem all too eager to gulp down these girls and send them down their singularities.

And the slimes do just that. The girls are devoured. Game over. End of anime. Thanks for watching!

No, that just prompts the generic transformation sequence. Apparently, if you’re sent hurting through deep space, you don’t die from lack of oxygen and extremely low temperatures. No, you swirl around in colorful light and get outfitted in cute clothing.

Except said cute hats and gloves aren’t hats and gloves. Those animal heads are alive and are now a part of you. You have decapitated heads and limbs grafted onto your body, and your own body has been mutated and distorted to half of its size.

You’ve just become The Bunny and The Rabbit. Go hang out with Jeff Goldblum and compare notes.

Oh wait, your dad is Jeff Goldblum. Or at least a reasonable likeness. That explain everything!

Yes, Animal Detectives is the magical girl version of The Fly.

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